My Lands: Black Gem Hunting

In the kingdom of Archon, where the shadows danced with whispers of forgotten magic and the air hummed with ancient power, there existed a realm veiled in darkness—the Forbidden Kingdom. Legends spoke of its ruins, where the echoes of battles long past still reverberated and the spirits of the fallen haunted the halls.

Among the bold champions who dared to tread upon its cursed soil was a fellowship of brave souls, their names whispered in hushed tones in every corner of the realm. Together, they embarked on a perilous journey through the labyrinthine depths of the Forbidden Kingdom, guided by the flickering light of hope and the promise of glory.

Their path was fraught with danger at every turn—monstrous beasts lurked in the shadows, their eyes gleaming with malevolent hunger, and twisted spirits haunted the corridors, their anguished wails piercing the silence. Yet, undeterred by fear or doubt, the fellowship pressed onward, their spirits unbroken, their resolve unwavering.

As they ventured deeper into the heart of darkness, they encountered horrors beyond imagining—creatures of nightmare and madness, their forms twisted and contorted by the corrupting influence of the ruins. But with blades flashing and spells crackling, the fellowship stood their ground, facing each new challenge with courage and determination.

In the heat of battle, the air was alive with the clash of steel and the roar of magic—the ground trembling beneath their feet as they waged war against the forces of darkness. Each member of the fellowship fought with the strength of ten, their hearts ablaze with the fire of righteousness, their spirits aflame with the desire to vanquish evil once and for all.

And then, at last, they reached the heart of the ruins—a chamber bathed in an eerie glow, where the very air shimmered with arcane energy and the walls pulsed with ancient power. There, amidst the crumbling stone and the fading echoes of the past, they faced their final challenge—a guardian of unimaginable power, its eyes burning with the fires of damnation.

With a cry that echoed through the ages, the fellowship charged into battle, their weapons flashing in the dim light, their spells weaving through the air like strands of fate. The guardian fought with the fury of a thousand storms, its blows shaking the very foundations of the earth, its dark magic twisting the very fabric of reality.

But the fellowship would not be swayed—not by fear, nor by despair. With each strike of their blades and each word of their incantations, they chipped away at the guardian's defenses, their resolve unyielding, their determination unbreakable.

And then, in a blinding flash of light and a deafening roar, the guardian fell—its form crumbling to dust, its dark power dissipating into the ether. The fellowship stood victorious amidst the ruins, their breath coming in ragged gasps, their bodies battered and bruised but their spirits soaring high.

And as they gazed upon the shattered remnants of their foe, they knew that they had achieved the impossible—that they had triumphed over evil itself and emerged as true heroes of the realm. And so, the tale of the Level 7 ruin of the kingdom of Archon became a legend in its own right, a testament to the indomitable spirit of those who dare to defy the darkness and embrace the light.

Please, make your story more literatury in the beginning.

Edited.
Keep at mind that I am not William Shakespeare, I think my story is more than enough. Many much shorter stories got rewards.

You should just edit your original post rather than have multiple copies/versions of your story floating around in various posts.

I have two suggestions to further improve your story and where to focus:
1) Embellish the beginning more, as freeharika mentioned. Specifically, I would like to see you tell us a little more about how you found the ruin and then prepared with your teammate. As it is, your story just begins with some description of yourself and about arch ruins (fine), but then it jumps and you're suddenly on the way to one practically.

2) The BATTLE... I find this is the hardest for players to write about.
Some lazily skip it almost entirely leaving us feeling like it was literally a MyLands battle concluding in a single second, others do their best but ultimately rush through it.
I feel like the latter is the case here.
You've set it up decently, but it needs a little more something to really feel like an epic battle occurred at the arch ruin. Even a simple sequence of your hero encountering an issue in combat only to overcome it and lead the charge to victory a few sentences (ideally paragraph or so) later will do a lot for the story.

Lastly, the paragraphs are very thin (it's fine we're not writing novels here and the formatting of the forum doesn't help).
I understand you've done what you think you can (or want to), but I encourage you to add just one or two more things to say about what is going on to each.
You've done well with descriptive showcasing what you wrote already. Good.
Try to add any more of that flavor you can, wherever you can. Even adding in your hero's names (monster too) can go a long way in building immersion to your story.

Cheers, I can help you along the way if you need, but from what I can see so far ... you got this easy.

When I will get an answer? Story is changed.

Steinbrust wrote:Edited.
Keep at mind that I am not William Shakespeare, I think my story is more than enough. Many much shorter stories got rewards.

Keep in mind, length is not all that matter either. Content is equal if not more important. Writing to meet the requirements creates boring material. Write the sequences because you want to create a story you can return to later and be somewhat proud of. Writing scrap to claim a reward and forget the piece forever only turns the writing into a chore.
Still, this remains the only actual description of combat. As it is, it is a rather fleeting and skimpy description. My vote is this still needs work, but let's see what admin decide.

Cheers.

sliph wrote:

Steinbrust wrote:Edited.
Keep at mind that I am not William Shakespeare, I think my story is more than enough. Many much shorter stories got rewards.

Keep in mind, length is not all that matter either. Content is equal if not more important. Writing to meet the requirements creates boring material. Write the sequences because you want to create a story you can return to later and be somewhat proud of. Writing scrap to claim a reward and forget the piece forever only turns the writing into a chore.

Code: Select all

Yet, undaunted by the onslaught, we met their charge with blades unsheathed and hearts unyielding. With each clash of steel and roar of defiance, we waged our battle against the encroaching darkness, a symphony of valor amidst the cacophony of chaos.

Still, this remains the only actual description of combat. As it is, it is a rather fleeting and skimpy description. My vote is this still needs work, but let's see what admin decide.

Cheers.

You must be the spice in every soup, Sliph.

I wrote new story, is last time Im writing it.

Steinbrust wrote:You must be the spice in every soup, Sliph.

I wrote new story, is last time Im writing it.

Ah, spice makes the soup...we already have enough salt though, thanks. I jest --

I'm only offering constructive-criticism, tips to help players, and even to get the stories to points where they are accepted.
I am unsure why there is animosity shown to me. I have no say in whether a story is accepted or not -- I just have a good eye for whether or not one will be after reading dozens.

(Even willing to write something myself for players to input to their stories for use, but few accept.
I don't help everyone, too many are lazy. Those who put in effort I recognize and offer to help cross the finish line.) _____

Steinbrust, good job, add more details of the battle of your troops and the reward is yours.