My eldest, and heir to the throne burst into the room shouting, “Daddy daddy, come quickly - Jake’s stabbed the maid!!” I ran from my room to the kitchen quarters thinking to myself what the hell do they teach kids on Hi5 these days?! I began to prepare a story explaining to the local magistrate how my 2 year old son had been brainwashed by those bastards at Disney, and the real criminals were Doc McStuffins and Barney.
On entering the kitchen I was relived to see the servant was alive, and appeared to have suffered no more than a superficial finger wound. It was then explained to me that the young Prince had insisted on helping remove the top from his boiled egg, and as she held the knife for him….
As I sat with the Princes waiting for Hi5 to finish, I thought what the hell, let me quickly check if my explorers have found anything interesting through the night. So I crept out to the verandah, and as I waited for the reports to load I began my usual “morning after a tequila challenge” breakfast of a coke and a camel whilst silently thanking the alchemists for their discovery of Nurofen.
As I saw there were 60 reports waiting for me, I was thinking here we go, 39 dead explorers, the cross-dressing Doctor spying from behind the temple 20 times and a level 1 ruin as usual. I started reading through while trying to shut out the noises of a home waking up in the morning. Your explorer died; Your explorer died; Iron mine discovered; Your explorer died; Level 3 ruin discovered, Level 7 ruin discovered; Your explorer died; your…..”What?!” As I stared at the report again I read it a couple more times to make sure, then sat back in a mixture of mild shock and excitement until the horror of the situation set in. Why today of all days! Were catching the Pegasus to Bali in a few hours for a holiday and no doubt there’s going to be a heap of last minute “vital shopping” her majesty will need to do…
I still have time I thought to myself, but wait a minute, I can’t take this ruin alone and I’m going to need the clan. “Bring me my Russian speaking homing pigeon quick” I yelled to the servants, and quickly scribbled a message to Uncle Alik in the North. Thank the Gods he was awake and soon the pigeon returned with a reply, and the plans were discussed.
As Alik and I were in deep discussion, drawing up battle formations and calling upon the mages for divine blessings, there, appearing in the doorway in her favored sugar-bowl stance was my Princess, her face far from happy. “Is it that bloody game again?” she snarled. “Game?” I replied, “game?”… The courage began to flow through my veins, fuelled by the anticipation of 42,000 gems and I rose from the war council and stood boldly before her. “This is not a game! This is for honour, for my soul, for the benefit of our future generations! Heralds will announce my victory throughout the Empire, songs will be written, poets will be inspired and our people will once again walk with heads held high. Victory today will inspire generations to come and I shall forever go down in history for this noble deed! Do not call such things games woman!” She stood silently as her arms folded and she gazed at the sundial. After agreeing to fund 3 spa sessions and a Bulgari handbag she finally gave her blessing for the campaign to commence. “You have an hour, two at most, before we must leave”.
"Bring me my armour" I roared to the court aides, and soon I was mounted upon my trusty steed, ready to inspire my troops and ask them to lay their lives on the line for the glory of the Kingdom...whilst I lay on the beach drinking cocktails and assuring the Princess that of course she looked better than all the 18 year old Balinese maidens frolicking in the surf . "I will be thinking of you men, I am with you in spirit always" as I clenched my fist in salute and put on my hawaiian shirt.
Orders were issued, battle lines were drawn and our armies soon began the slow yet steady advance upon the monsters kingdom. Unable to lead my army, I gave command to my brother Alik. Just as we boarded the Pegasus I received final notification that victory had been secured
Later I received details that the battle itself was over quickly. When faced with the might of Uncle Alik’s army, combined with my own lesser but highly motivated force, the monsters stood no chance. Most fell at the first assault, with those that remained choosing to turn tail and run.
A good day was had by all
- lvl7.tiff (13.2 KiB) Viewed 7914 times
- battle.jpg (130.05 KiB) Viewed 7914 times
